the black goat

sven-hornburg-bhV16G7F0xE-unsplashPhoto by Sven Hornburg on Unsplash

The Black Goat

They say that goats can eat anything…

The other night, I met a goat
black, smooth haired, domestic
and still young.
It was stumbling along the road
scraps of rope tied around its neck and legs
and trailing behind it as it walked.
It told me it had been bound
and had chewed its way free.
It had been bound and at first,
when it was younger,
it thought this was okay.
It thought it was being cared for
and cared about.
But over time,
it realized this wasn’t the case.
It was alone
and the ropes were becoming tighter
as it grew.

It tripped and I reached for it,
lifting its small dark body into my arms.
“I will carry you.
I hope I’m strong enough”.

They say that goats can eat anything.

This goat ate its loneliness and desperation
ate its restraints and limitations
ate its past, chewed its way to freedom.

©griffin2020

Another one of my strange dreams, from Wednesday night 18 March 2020.
Its not until some time later, when I’m trying to remember what happened and I start writing, that I begin to make sense of it all.
There’s such a lot of anxiety at the moment, I thought it might be connected to that.
But there’s something else going on. A sense of release, of being in a position to take care of another.
And like a few other dreams I’ve had, I think I am both the “me” in the dream, and the goat.

 

 

understanding a painting – summer abstract 2020

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Shifting through Time

when you find yourself in front of a painting you don’t understand
stay there
stand still
wait
and look…

look for a shape you recognise
look for a colour you’ve worn
look for a line that could be part of your own name

search, imagine

if you scraped back a layer
what might lie beneath?

can you find the first time you fell in love?
can you find the first time you were afraid?
can you find the first layer of paint laid down when you were still in the womb?
your first word
your first step
your first act of defiance

search, imagine

when you find yourself standing in front of a painting you don’t understand
stay there
stand still
wait
and look

you are watching your own life unfold

 

This started out as a much different painting –
an attempt to convey a family separation that happened in my early years.
I wasn’t happy with the painting, it felt too contrived and stiff.
When I decided to paint it out and start again –
suddenly – with those two sweeps of white – it was as if I’d overwritten the past
and shifted into the present.
Strange how things work out …

The poem was written in April 2019 – some sort of foretelling going on there.

clairegriffin©2020

 

2019 Review

This year has brought a great deal of challenges to New Zealand. It’s felt like one crisis after another.

A few of these events are still sitting close the surface of memory… I don’t really want to comment on them, but writing them down does bring home the number of things we’ve had to deal with as a country.

  • In February, major bush fires broke out near Nelson, covering over 2000 hectares and resulting in the evacuation of hundreds of people.
  • March brought the shootings at two mosques in Christchurch – 51 lives taken and so many families affected. The government responded by bringing in changes to gun laws – semi-automatic weapons banned – and a gun amnesty whereby people could hand in their weapons. Around 56,000 guns handed in/exchanged as part of a buy-back scheme.
  • A major measles outbreak continued throughout the year, reaching epidemic proportions, and finally appearing to have peaked in October.
  • November saw a man finally found guilty of murdering Grace Millane. A trial marked by the woman’s personal life being dragged through the courts and the defence framing it as “rough sex gone wrong”. It’s about time that stopped being accepted as an excuse.
  • In December a storm front moved up from the South Island and brought a massive lightning and thunder storm moved up the country and spent some of its energy over Wellington. Sleep became impossible as huge explosive thunder booms broke in the sky over the house.
  • Then a day later, 9 December, the volcano Whakaari (also known as White Island) erupted, with many deaths at the time and some later in hospital as a result of injuries sustained. Two people are still missing. Questions are being asked about whether visits to such places should be allowed.
  • During the year electric scooters continued to multiply like a virus across the country with almost no rules governing their use. They can be ridden on footpaths at high speeds (eg: up to 30km/hr) but can’t be ridden on roads because they’re not classified as vehicles. Meanwhile other users of the footpath are expected to cope with people speeding towards and past them, often with very little warning or consideration.
  • The housing crisis continued throughout the year – a financial windfall for anyone in a position to sell and pocket the proceeds – but an insurmountable hurdle for others. Prices have risen by a massive amount over the last decade.

And now as the year ends, I’m thinking of the fires in Australia and the loss of life, human, wild animals, domestic animals, and loss of property – it does feel apocalyptic. My heart goes out to all those suffering in the face of this disaster.

And I give thanks for young people like Greta Thunberg bringing their voices to the call for action in order to save our planet.

I’m looking forward to a new year and a new decade, but I am wondering what lies ahead for us all. I think my country needs a break. We could do with a less stressful year.

I’m glad I live in a country where our Prime Minister shows compassion. I’m glad our current government is trying to focus on the welfare of its people. The focus of the government budget this year was on national well-being, with social issues given priority.

 

On a personal note…

In late April I slipped and fell and thought I had a badly sprained leg. A week later it wasn’t getting better and an x-ray showed – it was actually broken! I should have known. The pain in the moment when I fell was intense and I just sat on the ground gasping for air until I was able to pull myself up and hobble inside. I didn’t think it was broken because I was able to hobble around. I’ve since learned the fibular isn’t a load-bearing bone, which is why I was able to limp about on it for a week or so. What was interesting though was the way the pain connects the mind to the body. And accepting that sometimes all you can do is surrender to it. For someone who spends a lot of time in their head, this was a reminder to not take my body for granted.

At the start of this year I set myself the focus of painting portraits. I worked from photographs, and I feel the results showed that good things can happen when you challenge yourself. I kept going with this focus throughout the year – at the expense of getting a few other things finished – but ended the year so much more confident about my attempts to paint people. Next step – to paint from life – eeek!!!

I had to get my cat shaved down to the skin to remove masses of matted tangles. I’ve only had him a couple of years and in that time I’ve tried to brush him, but he refuses. More than that – if you keep trying to brush him after he gives a warning growl, then he’ll try to take your arm off!! But after being clipped, he instantly became a much more chilled, relaxed moggie – and I realized that so much of his grumpiness must have been due to feeling so uncomfortable. He’s learning that it is okay to be brushed and sometimes I think he actually starts to like it. I’ll need to learn how to use the clippers and keep him trimmed.

This year ends with noise and concrete dust as a plumber digs up the driveway to find a water leak. I could think of better ways to end the year. We’ve had two leaks within a couple of weeks – the first was on my birthday, and it flooded the lower workshop/study area of the house.

Oh yes – and a birthday in December – I turned 60. I can’t believe I’m saying that out loud. I reckon I’m only about 47 on the inside.

Version 3

 

And next year – I really need to start writing again. I want to work out how to merge both writing and painting. Its a positive challenge to myself.

 

 

December

walk the green labyrinth,

end the year at the beginning,

follow root and stem to the source.

December began with rain and wind so strong I thought the trees might blow down. But it is so much warmer now and the days are longer – the light and warmth make me happy.

The end of the year is coming so quickly, and with it comes the start of a new year. I wonder what 2020 will bring …

October

waking slowly, you smile

and colour bursts across the hillsides,

fat, furry bees investigate your sleeves

The clocks went forward on the weekend here in NZ and now we live with the illusion that it takes longer for the darkness of night to settle over the land. Of course night and day come and go as they’ve always done – it’s just that we’ve adjusted our schedules to look at it differently.

And the land – she had started to wake – with trees opening their bright green hands, and blossoms everywhere – except now we’ve just had a dreaded cold snap.

I fear Spring is shivering in the rain and I wish I could wrap her in my arms and keep her warm.